08/05/11 v Salix - Drovers won by 5 runs

18/06/11 v Whalers - Drovers won by 74 runs - MATCH REPORT WELSHMAN??

16/07/11 v Buzzards - Drovers lost by 3 wickets - MATCH REPORT KIMBO??

24/07/11 v Hobgoblin Nomands - Drovers won by 123 runs

04/08/11 v TfL Lions - Drovers lost by 2 wickets

14/08/11 v Maladroits - Drovers lost by 2 wickets 

03/09/11 v Midnight - Drovers won by 3 wickets


08/05/11 v Salix.  Match report by 008

A windswept field on the Heathrow flightpath was the scene for the start of DCC's campaign for world domination in 2011. With a pitch as trim as Anthony Kim, 11 heroes ready to rumble, a whole load of comedy and no shortage of memorable cricket, a tense 5-run win enabled this mighty first step to be taken.
The toss had some critical questions. Could we have a bowl on a damp track that would dry out? Could Hillsy get the extra 2 hours needed to recover sufficiently to stop totally hanging out of his A-Piece? Could Curry sneak off after tea to source some second-rate fussball? There was a negative ghost rider on all 3 as Teddy called incorrectly and was inserted, deciding to open the batting with Hillsy as everyone else shotgunned opener avoidance successfully. So, 002 and 008 went to work until Teddage mis-timed a sloggy cover drive horribly and was caught for 6.
However Frenchman Joe came to the crease and mixed watchful D-fence with the smashing of bad balls to and over the boundary, especially off a bowler who despite being somewhat vertically challenged was convinced he could bowl like Curtly Ambrose until being shoed for 22 in an over. Hillpiece, struggling now like Rocky after 13 rounds of his fight with Ivan Drago, lashed out with a couple of boundaries but finally wilted for a gritty 16 and was soon joined back in the hutch by Frenchman Matt. Joe was continuing to spank a load of boundaries to keep the run rate going while new man Paddy found his range. And then some! There was some outrageous hitting, including Joe peppering Cow Corner and a full golf swing straight six from Padstock that was so huge it would have gone straight over the confectionary stall, if you please. Cue another huge over of 20 before a double blow - Joe for a superb 77 and Paddy a large and in charge 39.
An early end to the innings was on the cards as we lost Curry, Frenchman Chris and Welshman, but this was a precursor to some of the best disco shit seen since the A'dam tour of 2005. Sharpey, having not at all spoken in the big match build-up of his new willow, strode out after some words of encouragement from a calm and relaxed Welshman. The next action was to step back to an OK-length first ball and wife-beat it over long-off for 6! He and Charlie then gorged on a stunning fest of boundaries, finishing with 29 and 35 respectively as Salix steadfastly refused to change their field. In fact, 52 runs came off the last 14 balls of the innings as the scoreboard meltdown finished at 221-8 off 35, which included 14 sixes in all!

After some rather good king prawn sarnies and somewhat disturbing chat about DCC-branded bed linen, the chaps set to work in sealing the dealing. Pecker took the cherry and despite some early radar issues would bowl a couple of beauties towards the end of each over to renew his captain's faith in him, and got his reward by prising out the opener courtesy of a Paddy catch. We look forward to seeing more Pecker and less Pussy next time. However Salix kept easily up with the required rate courtesy of some rather special fielding as catches were shelled. Still, DCC chipped away and Chris and Curry claimed a wicket apiece.

With Salix still ahead the run rate however, the Sharpe One was called back into the fray. 3 overs of Sharapova-esque bowling (that's tight, great to watch with no shortage of grunting) created pressure, leading to the always-prized wicket of Fletcher, Chris adding juggling to his stage repertoire before snagging it. This spell, plus miserly stuff from Joe and Hillsy gradually got the required run rate up to 9 or so. Charlie returned for a second spell and mopped up 2 wickets, including a steepler claimed by Welshman to keep things close, while the tension was eased by some occasionally-hilarious bits of fielding. One such incident (sorry, Matt) involved Matt chasing a ball down and stopping it inches short of the boundary, only to pick it up while still outside the rope while his captain screamed "be careful when you pick up the ba......oh".
Anyway, it was up to Paddy to come on and bowl the last over with 19 required. And it was the best 0-13 ever as he refrained from any extras and took DCC to a 5-run win.
The chaps managed to find a local watering hole to toast the great success. MoM was Joe but in terms of DCC members Sharpey took home the Cornhill medallion, with honourable mentions for Paddy, Charlie and Mrs Ted for her commitment to the Droving Barmy Army despite the increasingly dodgy weather.
1-0 = qui-ite amazing skill.


24/07/11 v Hobgoblin Nomads.  Match report by 012

On Sunday last, the Drover-coaster pulled into a very sunny Belair Park in Dulwich for our fifth fixture of 2011 but unfortunately the Fresh Prince was playing B-ball outside of some other School up to no good? Carlton was however present and had the Captain armband.

Where did these bozo?s come from I hear you ask? I was called by a Sri Lankan at the start of the season named Niro, Captain of the ship in League of extra-ordinary gentlemen and also the ?Hobgoblin Nomads?. This weekend was free, he sounded keen and his chat was good.

Back to Sunday, the Drovers were early and amazingly fresh for Sunday fixture with messers Mathieu SHARP wearing his very French leather jacket and shoes, Ben Jarman (BJ) Claire Balding?s neighbour (all rounder) stepping into Tour de Drover, Adam PARKS (stinking French) taking the gloves and Nailz?s French/Sri Lankan cousin Dulonga ?rude boy? Leggysnoopywannabeaweera keeping the dream alive. Nalin Captain of this very SRI LI affair went out to toss with Niro and some Jamaican bouncers turned up to the spongy and green pitch making up half the oppo team. Nails wins the toss, Drovers will set a total sil vous plait. G-man has turned his knee sideways trying to play rugby and is making up the numbers?.so gets put in the opening partnership with Parks. Here started the opposition?s rather laid back attitude to ?A quick game is a good game? Drovers mentality which is very apparent especially as Nailz? first words to Niro were shall we reduce the number of overs? 35 it is.

Opening up for the Nomads was a 6?6ft lanky streak of piss whose run up was akin to French lanky bloke, his follow through similar to that of an epileptic and his new ball menace uncontrollably identical to that of an armless, female under 14?s rounders pitcher bowling with their feet. Parks feasted on the half tracker long hop?s and full tosses to get the Drovers to 70 off the first seven over?s with G man looking slow and retarded in comparison. At the other end was 10cc aka dreadlocked Issac a solid bowler and G man was dropped at second slip by Irish Jamie and the fact that he got two of his hands to the ball was the peak of Nomadic fielding with double figures of drops, mis-fields and loud rage shouts from the oppo. G man (15) was bowled on first change by Hiro and Parks (34) unbelievably considering his obvious ease at batting skied a top edge off Mr ridiculously long run up epileptic. 75-2. In walked Sharp M and Vince for a re-build and did just that Vince accelerating through his innings with some nice on side flicks and pulls for a few fours and a six on his way to (46) on a pitch which was difficult to time the ball. Sharp M showed dug in with sloid D fence and using the toe with his anchor role and innings made up of singles until the 30th over where he expanded his back lift, found the middle and finished with a well made (43) after he was told to hurry up by the Captain.

After Vince had left in came Nailz who looked good for his cover driving 20 and after Dulo (duck) had been caught in the deep trying to get boundaries the last 4/5 overs fell to Charlie and Wales at 6 and 7. Charlie hit the 32nd over for a massive one run and hit mostly fresh air in the 33rd but eventually saw the ball onto his bat and almost killed a child in a cot being pushed near by and Wales continued his big hitting form of 2011 by carting the oppo captain for a couple of boundaries and with the last ball of the innings which was wide and bounced twice to Cow corner heaven with a qu-ite massive six out of the ground. 35 overs 236-7. Good stuff all round. In dispersed with the Drovers batting class was some slow field placements, even slower drinks breaks and double strength squash shots in 24 degree heat, yummy.

This led to a Captains decision to go for a ruthless Drovers seam attack of Sharpey 1 and Pecker 2. Good decision it was too for Sharpey bowled a midrift bouncing length with ease and pressured the batsmen only for Pecker to pick up the first two wickets with some varied line and length keeping everyone guessing. A catch was shelled in between keeper and Nailz at first slip which was knee height for Parks and laces height for Nailz and a sharp chance. From then on the Drovers caught and stopped everything that came their way including Sharpe M and G man taking regulation skied chances and Wales taking a beauty at second slip which was travelling off Sharpe?s sharp stuff. Nomads 20-3. Hiro came to the crease with and put up some middle order resistance (22) with their keeper and got some generous wides from BJ and a few half volleys from Pecker. Sharpey got another edge to Parks? safe gloves and he was replaced by Charlie and Dulonga came on for some flight and guile leg break bowling replacing BJ.Sharpey was still working hard when he wasn't bowling, his brain that is coming up with pun after pun including 'Almost Hiro to zero there fella'!!!!!

Charlie was peppering his line and length and deservedly got a wicket and the next ball an additional wicket by bowling down leg it hitting Parks? pad?s, hit the stumps and he was a gonna (raising his back leg), this was Niro the Captain who had hit some lovely drives and a great six. HATRICK BALL??. 7 round the bat????. Charlie' sugar at safe levels?? out walks number 8???? Charlie bowls a full toss, big swing and a miss which flies over the top. Close but no DCC hatrick today. With Sharpey picking up two wickets, Pecker two and Charlie an additional LBW it was left to Dulonga to join the party and he did. He bowled beautifully for his 4.4 overs of F?n?G and had the lower order scratching their heads. He dispatched the last three wickets with the help of two solid stumpings and a walking wicket muppet and the Nomads were all done and dusted for 115.

Great all round performance with the Drovers in confident mood and the squad getting contributions from the French and alumni a plenty. Excellent captaincy from the Sri Lankan?s on both sides and a potential annual fixture in the making?? Great day, good win. Cheers


04/08/11 v TfL Lions.  Match report by 008

There are times when despite most odds and any form of common sense, you just need to make things happen. As EA Sports would say, it's in the game. And so it was the day before this first evening fixture for 5 years, with 9 players, no stumps and a rotten weather forecast, that it was time (as the Beautiful South may have said) to carry on regardless.

The rain came and the stumps arrived but with a liberal dose of Putney sunshine and a barely-legal (in many ways) crop-topped cheerleader, it was game on. Reduced to 16 overs a side as players meandered to the game, Teddy won the toss and sent Nailz and French debutant JD into combat. Unfortunately they faced some of the best of the bowling and departed for 3 and 5, perhaps unlucky to be caught in a relaxed game (JD's captor took the snag at backward square while juggling crisps and a tinnie). Still Paddy and in-form Wales steadied the ship with some crashing blows but once they went for 13 and 14, joined swiftly by Keano, Charlie and BJ, the Drovers were down to the last pair with barely 50 on the board.

With plenty of time, Teddy and French Matt Bailey had a look before Matt got castled for 8. As we had 1 player less, TfL kindly let Ted bat as Last Man Standing. Ted reached 17 before Matt was run out at the bowler's end and DCC really couldn't wangle stretching the innings further, ending up on 75.

Opening up, BJ and Charlie were victim to some early heaving as TfL raced away. Charlie though recovered from going for 15 in his first over (don't worry mate, plenty of runs to play with) to produce some beauties and finish with 1-20 off 3. Keano was next but saw a perfectly decent ball sailing over Cow Corner (and almost ended up sailing on the Thames). Still, he did snag his first DCC wicket.   

TfL were on top but French Matt fired in some missiles that shivered the virgin, unvarnished GM standard issue timbers. Once Paddy's F&G allowed Welshman to stump he of the Federer-esque cream cardigan and tennis shoes, DCC had a sniff that might well have turned into a full-on disco sheet rolled up $100-note coke snortathon had some rather dubious umpiring not occurred in the same over. Now, there's usually enough doubt to resist an LBW appeal against a left-hander so the response of "I can't give him out, he's my boss" was not particularly textbook. Paddy and Wales were mighty impressed at that. Having had time to mull over things, the story was gotten straight after the game - "I've been paying these games for 4 years and no-one ever gives anyone LBW". So that's all right then.

Anyway following a crafty Matt full toss that went into the sun and ended up smacking middle stump, there really was a chance of an upset win. Alas Matt was unable to improve on his excellent 3-9 as a well-timed maximum ended the game next over with TfL 7 wickets down.

Still, the single dodgy umpiring incident aside, an enjoyable occasion of Droving both on the pitch and in the ample Queen Adelaide beer garden.



14/08/11 v Maladroits.  Match report by 005

Given the current one-sided nature of cricket in England these days, as the national team positively humps one team to the next, a nice tight contest is always likely to have the crowds flcoking through the gate/gap in the hedge, and thus was the case on Sunday for the annual Drovers v Maladroits contest at Sheen Park on Sunday August 14th.

Upon winning the toss and opting to bat there were a few guffaws as French Sharp and French Bruce, returning after a two-year hiatus, walked out to open. While Brucey batted as if he'd never been away, Matty batted like he'd never been in. Thankfully, a few nudges here and there and the partnership grew steadily, and then positively swiftly as they stormed past the 50 mark and with barely 10 overs on the board and with the score at 75/0 after 13 things were all looking rather good. Sadly, as Echo and the Bunnymen once said, Nothing Lasts Forever and Matty was trudging back for a well earned 23. Brucey was to follow him shortly after, falling shy of another 50 and the victim of an extremely dubious LBW decision from none other than "I had to take the umpires exam twice" Hillsy. French JD lasted all of no time whatsoever to leave the score at 75/3. Normal service resumed then.

G-Man came and went while Hillsy played a few shots but neither reached double figures. Thankfully an old hand was there to steady the ship and Paddy anchored down to resurrect the Drovers innings, supported abley by French Coetzee. Once Padstock reached a splendid 50 with many a lengthy blow (w'hey!) he put one up in the air and in walked Mr Drover. Sharpey, primed and ready, proceeded to be the victim of one of the more extraordinary Caught and Bowled's I've ever seen, as his bullet drive stuck in the left hand of the neanderthal bowler, who barely had time to get him knuckles off the ground before snaffling. Welshman didn't last much longer but Coetzee continued to smote the Droits piemen to all corners before being vanquished for a well earned 47. A few cheeky shots from Curry and the Drovers finished on Choo-choo-choo for 9 after 35. Pecker, having turned up two hours late after a 4:40am chat with a man called Lex, contributed nothing.

And so to the chase, the part that is apparently thrilling. With Sharpey bowling at express pace (including a few beamers in the fat ginger No. 3's waist while Coetzee whispered "he hates you" in a slightly scary tone) from the Pavilion end, and (pitch it up) Pecker actually locating his radar, the Droits were restricted to just 40 off their first 10 overs, with the Sharpster collecting two before being removed from the attack perhaps an over early. Coetzee was his replacement and sent down a rare mix of leg cutters and leg strokers, putting some notches in the wicket column along the way while Hillsy removed the keepers pads to embark on a seven over spell that increased his wicket-count for the past two years 200%, his two wickets (C&B and bowled of course) making him the first Drover to reach 40 in his career.

Unfortunately the Drovers were desperately short of a 5th bowler (this is where you begin to feel bad for abandoning us Vince), and Curry, JD and Brucey sent down an abundance of dross that was duely spanked to all parts and brought the Maladroits back up to the required rate. The defining moment was unquestionably in the 29th over when a clear run out against Droits star batsman J.Carrington, was turned down by the Maladroits umpire. He went on to finish unbeaten on 69, taking the droits to 223/8 with 5 balls to spare. Frankly I'd be surprised if they have five balls between them.

The end.  005


03/09/11 v Maladroits.  Match report by 002

Drovers CC vs Midnight CC, September 3 2011, no venue worth mentioning.

While the Drovers continue to thrive with hoards of people begging for a squad number and a chance to wield some willow, this ‘match’ was another hint that other nomadic clubs are falling apart at the seams. Midnight mustered a lame-arse 6 players for a game that took longer than a timeless test to agree a date for. This was almost as disappointing as the retards at Barn Elms recreation ground, who had failed to register any signs of our match in their diaries. Ignoring strict instructions from El Presidente to ‘get out his fooking lawn mower and make us a pitch’, he instead gave us a green light to choose one of the half-vandalised artificial excuses for a wicket. We dutifully laid out some jumpers old school style for a boundary, came up with some ridiculous rules to suit the ridiculous circumstances, and set about destroying the opposition.
It wouldn’t be a Drovers fixture without further controversy. Charlie arrived having forgotten to put any sugar in his tea that morning, and thus wondered around dribbling for the first 2 hours. Hillsy was incapacitated by a busted foot, Nailz had a thigh strain and run-drought-rage having not jerked his Droving wad for a few games, and Coetzee and Dulonga (our best bowlers) volunteered themselves for the opposition to make 8 a side. Nightmare.
Or so we thought. Bailey was chucked the ball from the off, and set about sending down a sumptuous concoction of confusion. Two wickets were his in two overs, one courtesy of a nasty shooter off what may as well have been Richie Benwad’s keys right on a length. Sugar-free Charles De Gaulle was withdrawn by Doc Dawson after one over, who then confidently brought himself on instead. He round-armed an eclectic mix to great effect, so much so that skipper Hillsy forgot to replace him until he had bowled out for the first time in his Droving career.
Meanwhile down at Rubbish End 2, Hillsy brought himself on convinced that Bailey would be needed at the death. Turns out he should have been coming in off 3 steps for the last 8 years, as he harassed the off stump like peadophile in a sweet shop to finish with 3-13 off 4. Perhaps the best (and only) moment on the 10 second highlight reel, was Paddy – still making his own decisions wherever he went – moving himself from cover to mid wicket mid over, only to take an Hollywood-esque catch the very next ball. Another typically efficient demonstration from this well oiled Droving machine.
So Midnight limped to 75 all out off 15 overs. Pretty g@sh. The right bat left bat combo of Teddy and Matty was certain to throw the opposition, as was their incredible collective ability to lunge forward at the ball, whatever its length. Matty’s first run in the 6th over tempted a euphoric pitch invasion from the biggest crowd of the season, while Teddy watchfully amassed 17 chanceless runs at the other end.
And then came the power play – just one of the ridiculous aforementioned change in rules; 4 overs tip and run, with a 6;1 field, the 1 leg side man chosen by the skipper of the fielding team. In short, we fell apart. Hillsy went in to steady the ship, only to be given a delivery that mirrored the path of an angry wasp in high winds. With 35 needed and 2 wickets left, DCC perched precariously on the edge of an embarrassing defeat.
And then Paddy came in. Having taken a pathetic single off his first delivery, he then went absolutely beserk: 2,4,4,6,4,6,4. 31 not out, and incredibly a wagon wheel with just one line multi-coloured line on it over midwicket. Genius.
The team then ignored the opportunity of Saturday shmooze after the game as it shambolically disappeared off in different directions. This game was far from ideal, but at least it lived up to the DCC modus operandi originally offered by Air Supply in the 80’s - making something out of nothing at all.
Put that on the cd.